[Note: This is a revised version of the very personal reaction that I shared with Pact Camp families the week after Pact Camp 2008 ended:]
Once again, camp was really INTENSE.
For those who have never attended, you need to know that Pact Camp is not a “culture” or “heritage” camp. The goal of Pact Camp is to learn about–through direct experience and under the guidance of recognized experts, trained professionals, and more experienced parents– the complex and profound emotional and behavioral issues facing members of transracial adoptive families. In my mind, the main issues have to do with adoption and race, neither of which is ever easy to talk about during one conversation, let alone over the course of an entire week.
In my opinion, the Pact Camp experience is designed to be deliberately confrontational. That is, campers are encouraged, invited, and sometimes pushed to confront feelings and perspectives that are usually hard to talk about, and that are subsequently often ignored. Yet such denial seriously jeopardizes family harmony by straining (if not damaging) the bonds between adoptive parent and adopted child. Also, such ignorance contributes to an ongoing sense of insecurity and unease for adopted people, whether as children or adults. So those of us who dare, go to Pact Camp for an almost “boot camp” experience, to use one adoptive father’s term. He actually told me that he thinks we should up the level of intensity (you can be sure this wasn’t his first time at Pact Camp!).
As a way of anticipating the potential fall-out from the camp experience, I will share with you my emotional responses upon leaving Pact Camp. I am certain that my fellow transracially adopted children and adults (and probably many of their family members) are having intense reactions, just as I did. For first-timers especially, it may be helpful to keep in mind what we had been learning all week: That the experience of being at camp, while overall a fun and positive one, tends to stir up powerful emotions and even calls forth forgotten or suppressed memories and thoughts about birth families, foster families, missing relatives, past losses, and current fears and anxieties. The activities at Pact Camp offer us numerous opportunities to practice handling powerful and scary emotions, and in listening intently and paying attention to the sometimes painful messages from adoptees of all ages. Perhaps most importantly, camp lets us practice how to take good care of each other. I can think of no more important learning activity if we are going to shape a better future.
We learned that all kinds of transference often takes place, and that each of us may act out our intense responses in various ways, and that all of this is normal and predictable. What may feel like crazy feelings and appear as irrational behaviors are actually signs that the camp experience is “working,” that we are tapping into feelings that we have yet to master. The good news is that most of us will be able to feel and work through these emotions surrounded by supportive family and friends who can give us space, time, loving care, and compassionate understanding.
The most intense session of the week for me was being part of the panel on search and reunion. Before it was my turn to speak, I sat and listened to the powerful, complex, and confusing narratives of three adult adoptee women, Jae Ran Kim, Lisa Marie Rollins, and Susan Ito. When my turn came, I started out by confessing that I was aware of my stomach tightening and the adrenaline surging through my body, making me feel like getting up and running out of the room. I said I really did not want to talk about search and reunion but I was going to do it anyway, because it might help some of the adopted youth listening (the teen group had joined us for this session) or it might help some of the parents in the audience to better understand their children’s experience of adoption.
Then I talked about the limited and virtually non-existent information given to my adoptive parents about my birth family, and how I had grown up knowing only that my biological mother was white and that my birth father was a “light-skinned negro.” I told the audience that I wondered, as a child and adolescent, what a light-skinned negro looked like, and what a light-skinned negro sounded like and acted like, etc. I recalled my ongoing ambivalence about searching or looking for that light-skinned negro man, and how my parents always said that they would support me should I ever decide to search. I discussed how I didn’t necessarily want to meet my birth parents. Still, I desperately wanted to see and learn about this mysterious light-skinned negro from a distance. I talked about how searching, for me, was more about gaining access to information that is rightfully mine, rather than reconnecting with actual birth family members face to face.
[edited...]
I verbalized the anger I carry with me as an emascualted and infantilized adopted person since I am prevented over and over from easily gaining access to MY personal information, and how that makes me feel like a second or third class citizen. I also said a lot of other things on the panel that I may write about later, but getting back to the topic of intense post-camp emotions, all this talk about birth parents–thoughts that I usually tend to suppress or not dwell on– stirred up lots of uncomfortable feelings. When the panel session ended, I felt like I was about seven years old again, which is incredibly unnerving, since I am a forty-seven year old, highly educated, and competent professional. A grown-up, after all. The point being that these tough issues are never fully resolved, but have stayed with me throughout my life as I continue this strange journey through adoption.
[edited...]
Dear Pact Camp-ers, take deep breaths and remember that we can withstand the waves of emotion as they surface. If you are an adoptee, tell yourself that you are not going to lose your family again. And even if you do lose ties to your families, there is another family of Adult TRAs just waiting to welcome you with open arms. So keep reminding your frightened inner adopted child that you are now safe. After all, we are survivors. And we are loved, and we deserve all the good things coming our way.
