Mock interview, part 4 (conclusion)

Q: As I’m sitting here listening to your analysis of Whitesville, I can’t help but wonder about how your adoptive family must feel. I’m reminded of the Jim Boyd song from the film “Smoke Signals.” You know the one called “Treaties?”

Yes, I do, and I LOVE that song. And it’s interesting that you reference that particular movie, since it is all about family ties and reconciliation. The “Treaties” lyrics go something like, “Somebody breaks a hard promise. Somebody breaks your tired heart. The moon tears the sun in half. Love can tear you apart.”

Q: I’m thinking especially about the family references, when it asks, “What do you want from your father? What do you want from your brother? What do you want from your sister? What do you want from your mother?”

Right. But then it answers with the female chorus replying, “Listen to me, listen to me, listen to me.” And then the male singer sings, “I don’t know what I want from love. I just know it ain’t easy. I just know how it all feels. It’s just like signing a treaty. Treaties never remember. They give and take until they fall apart.”

It’s a very powerful song, and coincidentally appropriate, since that is the exact same make up as my adoptive family—my mom, my dad, my sister, and my brother. In a way, adoption is like a treaty between two families, with the big difference that the adopted child usually doesn’t have a say in whether or not to sign. Nor do the birth families, in most cases.

Q: Can I ask what your relationship is like with your adoptive family these days?

It’s interesting that people often assume that we are estranged from each other. It’s as if I can’t hold a critical view of my Whitesville upbringing and still remain involved with and connected to my family. I mean, we’re FAMILY.

Even though I now live in a very different social world than they do, as the only adopted person in the family and as the only gay person of color, we still love each other and we remain connected to each other. Like in many families, we don’t always see eye to eye, and it’s still hard to talk about these complex issues, when our experiences are so very different. But the love we share binds us together. And we try to help each other and see each other and share good times, as all families do.

I’d also like to point out that, in the early 1960s when I was adopted, my parents did not have the opportunities and supports that parents adopting today have access to. That generation didn’t have adoptive family groups to join, or parenting classes in how to raise adopted children. They didn’t have the benefit of decades of research or films like “Struggle For Identity,” with the voices of adult transracial adoptees to learn from, or adoption conferences or camps to attend. My parents’ generation was literally the first generation of families getting into the black-white transracial adoption experiment. They were doing this on their own with NO training or support from anyone.

Q: I also think it is interesting how much you are your parents’ son, despite your being so different from them. Do you recognize the ways they have influenced you, especially in terms of the work you are doing?

Actually, I think about that a lot. My involvement in the Multicultural Education movement is very Unitarian. Even though I no longer go to church, I do acknowledge that if you have to be raised in any organized religion, Unitarian Universalism is a pretty good one to be raised in. I mean, no creed, no dogma, no brainwashing. But you also get exposed to the world’s major religions and philosophies, and you learn that there is good and something of value in all of them. You get to make up your own mind about faith and you’re left to develop your own spirituality, without any coercion or anyone telling you what’s right or judging you or condemning your choices.

Q: Say more about how you see Unitarianism as related to Multicultural Education.

Well, if one of the goals of Multicultural Education is to teach people to honor multiple realities and acknowledge multiple perspectives, then so is Unitarian Universalism. No one reality or religion is superior or more legitimate than the others. It’s a parallel value system. In addition to celebrating pluralism, they both emphasize tolerance and respect. And going way beyond tolerance and a simplistic celebration of diversity, they both concern themselves with social justice issues. They both teach that we are supposed to make the world better than it was when we came into it.

Q: Your parents were quite involved with social justice issues, right? Would you say that you learned that from them, as one of the values they instilled in their children?

Absolutely. I remember being taken along on demonstrations in the 1960s for civil rights and against the Vietnam War. We grew up learning about the farm workers’ boycotts and other events taking place in our society. As kids, we were taught not to use violence to solve conflicts, since our dad, who was a minister, was a committed pacifist. We learned about Mahatma Gandhi and Martin Luther King and Albert Schweitzer. We grew up sharing Thanksgiving dinners with people who didn’t have anywhere else to go. Our parents were involved with a bunch of different projects that helped the downtrodden and disadvantaged. I can’t fault them for those efforts, and for trying to practice what they preached. After all, my parents are good people and they were great parents. They took these things very seriously. They did a lot of things right.

Q: And if you don’t mind my saying so, far beyond what most white parents were giving their children in Whitesville?

Absolutely. My parents took us on wonderful educational trips as kids, and they encouraged us to do well in school and to take advantage of the opportunities our environment had to offer. Our home was filled with books and we were encouraged to become readers as well as lifelong learners. And probably most importantly, we were encouraged to find ways to contribute to society by making the world a better place and a fairer place.

I’d also like to point out, in case it still isn’t obvious, that I do see the work I do now is a total reflection of the values I was taught growing up. And it makes perfect sense that I would become highly critical and develop this analysis of Whitesville. It shouldn’t come as a surprise, nor be seen as a condemnation of my parents or of my family, or even of white people in general. My critique of what I call “Whitesville” is the latest manifestation of the kind of education and critical thinking I was encouraged to do. In a real way, I received the best that Whitesville had to offer.

Q: It reminds me of the way Angela Davis went off to the Sorbonne and then came home as a committed Marxist revolutionary. As a young Southern black woman who got an unprecedented chance to obtain an amazing, high quality education, is it any wonder that she would use those skills to analyze and critique her reality?

Exactly. Angela Davis didn’t stop being a black woman, she didn’t suddenly become white, just because she went to one of Whitesville’s top universities. I mean, what do people expect? If children of color are given a shot at the American dream, of receiving the best that Whitesville has to offer, should we really be surprised when they take it to the next level? We take the tools we’ve been taught and apply them to understand and make sense of our reality.

Q: And then use those tools to make the world better for others who look like you, no? In a sense, to give back to the communities you originally came from.

And in so doing, we are actually honoring our mothers and fathers. Instead of feeling–

Q: Wait. Do you mean your adoptive parents, or–?

I mean ALL of them. Adoptive, foster, and our biological parents. If I could just continue where I left off, instead of feeling depressed or resentful, I would hope that parents whose children of color become critical or even radical activist proponents of social justice would take pride in their accomplishments as parents. When I see transracial adoptees who have developed a critical analysis and who are involved in various social justice efforts—and I’m meeting more and more of them—I think, Yep, they are their parents’ offspring. They are taking it to the next level. And that’s how we’re going to make progress, mark my words.

It’s as if we’re saying, You let us into your homes as adopted kids. You sent us to your above average schools. You taught us democratic values. You taught us about equality and fairness and anti-racism. You taught us to stand up for ourselves and on behalf of others who are less fortunate. And we listened. We learned. And staying true to ourselves now in adulthood, AND in acknowledgement of the excellent parenting you gave us, we HAVE to take it to the next level. We have no other choice. So let’s stop talking about “Angry Adoptees” and let’s stop assuming that just because we are critical that we hate our parents or even all white people.

Q: On the contrary, let’s give thanks that transracial adoptees, and other people of color who reach positions of influence and power, might actually be able to lead the way forward, out of the mess our society finds itself in.

John, this has been very helpful in terms of contextualizing your provocative remarks about Whitesville. Furthermore, it explains so much about why you do the work you do, and why you take such a strong stance on the responsibilities facing white parents who adopt children of color. I am certain that our readers will learn from these interviews.

Me with Mom and Dad at my grad school Graduation Party, 2005